A question often asked….
Why do I attract abuse/rs?
I must have asked for it somehow…..
Victims.
Victims of abuse don’t ask for it.
They don’t single out abusers for interaction.
They don’t attract them.
Which may well feel like a complete miss here. But bear with me.
They don’t attract them. They tolerate them.
Because that’s all they ever could do when they were children.
Big difference here.
Toxic and abusive people try their garbage on everyone, literally everyone, wherever they are, but they move away from those who have strong, appropriate boundaries.
Even in FB Land, they get short shrift from those who hold appropriate boundaries who either ignore them, block them, or delete them. Their bait, and shyte, isn’t taken, or tolerated.
They then only have an audience of those who can tolerate them.
Because – guess when we learnt those skills of making appropriate boundaries?
Yup. When we’re children.
So, if your parents were abusive, neglectful, spiteful, mean, absent through drugs or alcohol,,,,,, what hope had you? As a child?
This is not the same as attracting them. Like some flame for moths.
This is not a meaningful, thought-through decision to actively call abusers to you because you just fancy a portion more….
And yet – and this might be revelatory for some – you don’t have to change your core being, the who and what you are. Because it’s not about you. It’s about the fencing around you, Not you.
But you might well have to go round lots and lots and lots and lots and lots again to check your fences. And then, go check again.
Regularly.
Horses will continue to test fencing…. That’s what they do.
Keeping the power on that electric fence, and fixing any breaks….. yes, that takes energy, time, and conscientious effort. From you.
Those horses will not be in any way interested in fence-fixing.
But that fence stops those horses, who’re doing what they do, from busting through and wrecking your house.
It’s not about demeaning horses.
It’s not anything about calling them stupid, or idiots, or anything else derogatory.
That fence is about placing a boundary around the place they can be, and the place you don’t want them to be.
It’s not even about being a horse.
Keeping those harmers out is a drain on you – yes , it is. Because maybe this skill of boundary checking and mending wasn’t taught, so like trying to learn a new language at an advanced age, it feels onerous and A Huge Effort.
But, those harmers , they will try to harm wherever and whoever they’re near enough to to have an effect on. It might be you right now, it might be someone else tomorrow…..
It’s not even about you!
So, logically, you don’t even have to change You.
Learning to notice the harm though, identify it, notice it, and then choose to prevent, boundary, or avoid it….. that’s the work.
It’s just what they do.
They may not even mean to harm.
They simply don’t even know it is harmful.
It’s just what they do. Like those horses, just doing that they do.
So we need to keep those fences whole and fixed and the horses out of the house.
Rosalyn Young is a qualified psychiatric nurse who has long argued
against coercion, labelling, pathologisation, and enforcement in the
state systems. Her 30+ years’ experience includes NHS, military,
and private agencies helping those in crisis and in recovery,
and she’s run her own private practice since 2003. She
has studied counselling to degree level, and has special interest in
working with survivors of trauma, military service, childhood abuse
and neglect, and related emotional regulation troubles.
She is a lifelong pagan, and also clinical supervisor to many colleagues.
She lives in Lincolnshire with her husband and a variety of
companion animals and motorbikes, is a keeper of chickens and a student of
the art of brewing, baking, and growing things in the garden.
Contact her on 07906260310, or email contact@timeforcounselling.co.uk
