Mother’s Day when you’re grieving….
The build up for the national day to celebrate mothers has begun.
Adverts on TV, in magazines, in the shops…. “here, buy this and show how much you love your mum”.
But what if you never knew your mother?
What if your mother gave you up?
What if your mother has just died?
What if you’re desperate to be a mum, but you can’t?
What about grief on days of gratitude and celebration.
All around there are messages of being grateful, acknowledging family links, and celebrating happiness, yet in your life perhaps it has been rather more a case of muddling through and trying to not get caught up in the falsity you feel is in such messages. Where others are allegedly sitting within a circle of family, basking in the warm glow of belonging, maybe you’re looking about your own circle and seeing the lack instead of the presence.
Where others have a mother, you’ve been on your own for years in some respect. You don’t know what it’s like to have this thing called inclusion or motherly unconditional acceptance. Perhaps your mother spent her life living in an alcohol bottle, her most important relationship being with the local off-licence instead of paying attention to you.
Or maybe you see folk on a popular daytime tv talk show, trying to find their mothers, and this punches you in the middle, as this could be you. Your mother is known, someone who wasn’t there, who didn’t want you….
How on earth are you supposed to join in this national thankfulness day? What’s there to be thankful for?
You’re told you ‘should’ love your mum, but perhaps you feel more anger and hate? So how does that even add up?
What if your mother has recently died? And in recently, this can be any time really, not just yesterday, or last week, or even last month…. This can be 20 years ago, if it feels like yesterday still, then it feels recent enough. The pain doesn’t care if it was yesterday or 20 years ago. All those other people still with their mothers, perhaps moaning or complaining about something she’s just said or done, and maybe you’re all “why can’t you just be grateful you’ve still got your mum!!!”
And what if you’ve been trying and trying and hoping and praying and yet still, no child for you. No family. No passing on your line. No acknowledgement as a mother. Maybe every child of yours has died, and the pain is hot and cold and incisive and all pervading and sits just behind your eyes all day everyday and colours and flavours every single thing you eat or drink or think…and here we are, setting aside a whole day to celebrate and be grateful for that one thing you can’t have and cannot be.
How do you deal with mothers day?
If you are struggling with any of these, I may be able to help and support you in this struggle. I cant magically make matters change, or alter your world, but I can help support you as you live the life you have.
Rosalyn Young is a qualified mental health nurse with 30 years
Experience in govt and private agencies helping those in crisis
and in recovery. She has studied counselling to degree level,
and specialises in working with survivors of childhood abuse
and neglect, PTSD, DID, and emotional regulation problems.
She lives in Lincolnshire with her husband and a variety of
companion animals, is a brewer of mead, and student of
growing things in the garden.
