5 Ways to Beat the Bullies (at any age….)
Do you feel you are being bullied?
Got that gut-wrenching fear of going into the situation where the bullying is happening…?
Bullying can happen at any stage in a life; it’s not just the younger generations that are subject to such behaviours, and it’s not always only the currently frequently aired online form of bullying that can happen.
Our elders can be bullied in their own homes, as well as in care establishments, and their nearest and dearest can be the ones doing the bullying – family ties and being blood related don’t offer automatic protection from bullying.
Here are 5 things you may wish to keep in mind to help you Beat The Bullies.
1/ Recognise that it is bullying
If someone is doing something that makes you feel small, insecure, hated, picked-on, then chances are you’re being subjected to bullying.
In an ideal world, no-one would be making others feel so insignificant, but we don’t have an ideal world, so if someone is deliberately going about their business in a way that leaves others feeling rubbish, then I’d probably be calling that bullying.
The late-night phone calls from your boss that really could wait til the morning when you’re going to be awake…
The snidey comments from your step-parent…
Your adult child taking control of your money for their own benefit…
Your sister ripping up your work and throwing it away…
Someone calling you stupid or lazy or any of those negative things (especially when not true…)
The small scale, to the large scale, if someone is making you feel rubbish, it could be bullying.
2/ Decide
This is about you – you deciding whether to continue to accept the behaviour, or to do something about it.
It’s up to you to decide if you are worth more than what’s been going on up til now. The bully cannot take this decision away from you, although it might well feel like you have no say and can never make it stop….That little tiny word, ‘No’, can feel so enormous! They might indeed not be able to stop, let alone hear you saying the word ‘No’ – maybe their own experiences have left them feeling so rubbish in themselves that the only way they can feel even a little bit OK-ish is to put someone else down so much that in contrast they feel better…. But they’re not actually better, they just temporarily feel a bit better, and they may not be able to stop themselves if they don’t know anything different. So, it’s for you to decide, if bullying is happening, whether you will continue to accept it or not. This is not about hating the person; it’s about the behaviour, not the person doing it.
3/ Stop excusing them
So yes, it might be a case of having had a rubbish childhood themselves, they now only can get along with their own experiences by making others around them smaller in order to feel slightly OK about themselves…. And this might be one possible reason…. but reason or no, there is nothing that says you must continue to be their emotional rubbish-dump! Maybe in continuing to be their bin, they’re not actually facing their own need to address their own circumstances… so for them and for you, notice if you’re excusing their behaviour somehow…. “Oh, they don’t mean it….”, “Oh, they don’t know any better….”, “Oh someone else will deal with it….” Or even “He says he loves me when he does this…”
All these only allow for the behaviour to continue, and might end up helping no-one, them or you.
4/ Look after yourself
If you’re being bullied, the bully isn’t considering what’s best for you, and certainly isn’t looking after you. And maybe we’re not in this world for the purpose of having others look after us all the time anyway… maybe we need to look after ourselves.
In looking after yourself, this can be about doing those things that make your heart sing, and your soul rejoice. Those seemingly small things that actually mean the world; taking time to read a well-loved book, going out to see friends, choosing the blend of coffee, wearing your favourite outfit Just Because. Things that have meaning for you.
You can also look after yourself by recognising what boundaries are being crossed when the bullying is tried; are you able to choose? Are you able to feel safe? Do you sleep well?
If you’re unsure if boundaries are being crossed, or what might even constitute boundaries, a counsellor can help you examine this.
Looking after yourself can also mean getting help; talking with others who can help you to know whether it is bullying, whether it is acceptable or excusable, and can help you emotionally and practically.
Sometimes looking after yourself is about recognising that bullying is happening, and deciding to not accept it, and sometimes looking after yourself can be about ultimately deciding to not stay.
5/ Leave if you need to
Leaving might be your option. In leaving, you can leave the poor behaviour behind, start off on your own path, be left alone so that you can decide and choose for yourself without fear of criticism, verbal arrows, or physical violence.
If violence is your experience, please decide quickly and get help leaving. The police, and many councils, have violence teams that can help. In urgencies, the police on their emergency number, or people like the Samaritans can help. When bullying turns into criminal activity – violence, stealing, online stalking etc – even Society in making certain Laws has said that that is inexcusable and absolutely unacceptable.
If you have found need to leave in such circumstances, get emotional as well as practical support; friends, family (obviously not the bullying ones), religious leaders, and counsellors and psychotherapists can all help.
You are worthy of being alive on this planet just exactly as you are. Your presence here, your humanity, give you that worth. If your worth isn’t recognised by some who bully you, it’s not for you to keep on trying to persuade them otherwise; there will be others who readily accept and recognise your rightful place here as a fellow human being, and you are deserving of that.
Rosalyn Young is a qualified mental health nurse with 30 years
Experience in govt and private agencies helping those in crisis
and in recovery. She has studied counselling to degree level,
and specialises in working with survivors of childhood abuse
and neglect, PTSD, DID, and emotional regulation problems.
She lives in Lincolnshire with her husband and a variety of
companion animals, is a brewer of mead, and student of
growing things in the garden.
