Picking your forum….
In this piece I ponder on the how’s and importantly the where’s of disclosing information about yourself, your life, and your experiences…
Oftentimes, we as human beings in this current society, are taught to not share our experiences, most especially if they are experiences of horror or of trauma. We here in Britain really are not so good at expressing our emotions – with that Still Upper Lip, we don’t talk about death, we don’t even ask our friends if they’ve made their Will, and we certainly don’t talk about feeling rubbish because the memories of abuse are troubling us still.
There can be a variety of reasons why we don’t speak of what we have seen, heard, or felt.
Backlash and repercussions, actual or feared, can itself take various guises. Literal backlash from whoever it was who instigated the traumatic event, for instance if a child was to speak of abuse, the risk is that the abuser would find that child and take steps to prevent any more disclosures, or take physical revenge.
Backlash can also come from those around the abuser (keeping with the abuse situation) who disbelieve that someone of such high esteem in the community would do such a thing and instead turn on the child and label the child as a liar. This could lead to perhaps an ongoing situation where once labelled as a liar, that child is to be disbelieved now and on into the future, and disbelieved about anything they might say…
Repercussions can also come from formal institutions and organisations, where those communities take over from the child, citing the need to follow procedures in order to protect themselves from claims of negligence. Thus, the child, in speaking, finds that yet again the control has been taken away from them, leaving them feeling maybe even abused all over again.
Many do not speak, for decades, holding the fears and angers hidden inside, unknown (they think) by others… until maybe one day, something ‘gives’ and the words just have to come out. The pressure involved, and the energy eaten up, in just ‘holding on’ to powerful emotions can just ‘give’, and the need to disclose, to release, to speak of or write about what happened, can be a force to be reckoned with.
I this scenario, picking the forum for speaking remains important.
Even as a now-adult, not a vulnerable and powerless child anymore, the felt risk of speaking words that challenge those who hear or read them, can be significant.
On an inappropriate forum, such words can invite anger, and misinterpretation. In some cases, the words can risk being copied and sent out to those who might then initiate unintended actions. In placing words onto social media platforms, you could well lose control of where they go.
I have witnessed various disclosures on social media platforms – some were applauded for being brave and honest accounts from survivors of the wrong behaviours of abusers. Some, in giving specific details where their own actions and reactions could be viewed as going beyond reasonable and verging on criminal in themselves, were flying pretty close to inviting criminal investigations and potential charges against themselves!
I therefore here am suggesting that if you have a story to tell, and find you need to tell it, picking the forum is important.
Social media may not be the most appropriate for all. Even in so-called “closed groups”, there is and will never be any guarantee that your words on the screen won’t be seen by those not-in-the-group – they can easily be screen-shot and sent outside the group – and of course there is never any guarantee that those in the closed group are there for the common purpose of the group.
Anyone can answer a few questions and ‘pretend’ in order to gain access.
So, if in your history, you have found your own behaviour getting out of control, maybe using drugs or violence as a way to try to keep a lid on those feelings that have been boiling and roiling and wrecking your sense of equanimity, choose your forum.
In counselling, the vast majority of what is said is held as confidential.
You can speak of your experiences, knowing that the counsellor isn’t going to go ring up your mum and tell her… If you’ve done drugs in the past, or are questioning your previous bouts of anger that lead you to nights in the cells for brawling outside the pub, those will be held within the counselling relationship.
I have worked with many people who, on speaking of their experiences, find that what they had previously thought to be unspeakable, even unhearable, actually became lessened by the airing of them, became an as-well-as of their life before, a part of their story, instead of the main feature that eclipsed everything else. Yes, we can’t undo history, and Dr Who’s TARDIS doesn’t stop by here often, but we can place more accurate perspectives on most matters.
If, however, you actually have purchased a live weapon and are planning to go rob a bank, or you are currently engaging in abusing or terrorising anyone else, any and all counsellors are required to tell the authorities, because there are no lawful forums (online or face-to-face) where crime and its planning can be held as confidential.
If you’ve been the victim of criminal behaviour, of abuse, of neglect, maybe you’d’ve wanted someone at the time to tell on your behalf, so that the abuse could stop.
And if you’re struggling with the aftermath of criminal and hateful behaviour towards you, counselling can help you, and your story will be held between you and your counsellor.
Further, in making contact with me using emails, or fb messenger, please do bear in mind the limitations of these contact methods and save your detailed stories for when we are meeting. You will then know for sure where your words are going, and who is receiving them.
Rosalyn Young is a qualified mental health nurse with 30 years
Experience in govt and private agencies helping those in crisis
and in recovery. She has studied counselling to degree level,
and specialises in working with survivors of childhood abuse
and neglect, PTSD, DID, and emotional regulation problems.
She lives in Lincolnshire with her husband and a variety of
companion animals, is a brewer of mead, and student of
growing things in the garden.
